Until Our Final Sunset
by MsBigBad
Summary: Winner! Lost In Spike Awards! Best Tears! AU very flashbacky! Spike is begging Xander to stake him good and proper but what has gone so wrong that he'd want that? Gotta read to find out!


**Until Our Final Sunset**  
**By: MsBigBad**

************************************************************************  
**Disclaimer: If I owned the show do you think I'd be writing this now? No. I'd be far too busy bribing James Marsters to sleep with me! The show belongs to FOX, Mutant Enemy, and Joss who I love/adore! Any quotes will be disclaimed in the text. The song "See the Sun Again" is by Dido and in 10pt. italics. Flashbacks are in italics also and brackets,**

**Rating: PG-13 for violence, language, (and my personal favorite!) sexual content!**  
**Ship: S/B Why write anything else?**

**Spoilers: Up to "Lies My Parents Told Me" Season 7.**

**Archiving: Unless you have prior permission please ask. I'd love for you to host my fic! I just like to know where it goes!**

**Warning: Character death(s)! You may need a tissue, or several! Go get them now before you end up wiping snot all over the keyboard! Cause that's just all kinds of yuckie!**

**Summary: A/U. Very flashbacky! Spike is begging Xander to stake him good and proper but what has gone so wrong that he'd want that? Gotta read to find out!**

**Feedback: Please! I love it! **

************************************************************************

-  
"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred  
minus one day so I'll never have to live without you."  
-A. A. Milne

Life is a funny thing. To some it seems like forever and to others it's gone in an instant. Of course these are just two different perspectives of human behavior. But what would it feel like to really live forever? To spend eternity right here? Would it be a great joy? Or rather a boring, meaningless, existence? Even a painful one?

"Do it!" He pleaded.

"You're not makin' any sense! Listen to yourself! You're crazy! Why would you want to spend an eternity in hell without her when you can be right here, safe. Here with the people she loved. If you look close, she's still here."

"Safe, right." His voice cracked with painful sarcasm.

He looked back at the boy trying to get the point across.

"You don't know what it's like. How it feels.. To just sit back and watch everything and everyone around you, everyone you care about, just, fade away."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
I'm comin' round to open up the blinds  
You can't hide here any longer  
My God you need to rinse those puffy eyes  
You can't lie still any longer

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* FLASHBACK *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sirens blare as the ambulance rushes through the cold December night. Hours of agony in a crowded waiting room. Police asking questions that couldn't even begin to register in either of their minds. Blood all over. Tears falling freely. A small blonde form clinging to him trying desperately to be brave. Holding in the pain.

"Sir? Could you describe what happened?"

He sat there in silence occasionally stroking away a lock of her long blonde hair.

"Was he hurting her?"

Again silence.

"Why did you kill him?"

Silence.

"Sir, come with me." The officer said grabbing Spike up off the floor.

He wasn't up for long before the man was flung into the wall.

"He's not going anywhere." She commanded latching onto Spike's arm.

Her hand was still fisted by her side as they took their place back on the floor.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* END FLASHBACK *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
And yes they'll ask you where you've been  
And you'll have to tell them, again and again

"Dawn wasn't your fault. You did all you could for her. You killed him!" Xander argued.

"Wasn't good enough. I couldn't save her."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* FLASHBACK *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Screams pierce through the air, warning all to stay away. He pays no mind as he rushes to her side.

"Dawn!"

"Spike…it…it hurts."

"I know baby… but we're gonna get you all patched up. You're gonna be fine."

He wipes the blood from her lips and holds her pale hand.

She races to catch up to him. He's much faster. She trips up a few stairs in her rush and ends up damaging the cartilage in her knee. She struggles on finally seeing the door separating herself from Spike and her little sister.

A shadow falls over his face. A gun is thrust into his back. A man's stinking; putrid words are whispered into his ear.

"What are you gonna do now vampire? Kill me? We both know that's not your style anymore! Did she tell you? Huh? Did this bitch tell you what I did to her?"

He smiled evilly kicking at Dawn.

"Did she tell you how I made her scream? Did she tell you how good it felt?"

Spike was pissed. The rage was immense. The boy had just signed his death warrant. He whirled around to get hold of the little wanker. The gun fired into his stomach. Blood covered the floor. It never slowed him. He wrapped his hands firmly around his neck and twisted. A sickening crack echoed off the walls.

Buffy limped through the door.

"Oh God, Spike, what have you done?"

The sirens of the police and rescue units surged into the room.

"Doesn't matter now" He choked out.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* END FLASHBACK *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
And you probably don't wanna hear tomorrow's another day  
But I promise you you'll see the sun again  
And you're asking me why pain's the only way to happiness  
And I promise you you'll see the sun again

"She was past saving Spike. There was no way we could have known  
that Jason was a killer." Xander reasoned.

"Wasn't a killer, just a rapist. I'm the one that got her killed."

"Love is what you've been through with somebody"  
-James Thurber

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* FLASHBACK *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"I'm sorry. We did all we could but the wounds were just too severe. The bullet severed her corroded artery." The nurse explained.

"Bullet?" He quivered.

"Oh god, oh God! She's gone! She's really gone! Oh God, oh God!"

He pulled her to him and let her bury her pain in his embrace.

"Shh. It's okay luv. It's okay."

Her tears were like holy water burning him to his core.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* END FLASHBACK *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"That's not true and you know it. I don't believe that. You shouldn't, and Buffy sure as hell didn't!" Xander shouted.

"Buffy was wrong about a lot of things… especially me."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* FLASHBACK *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Stay with me tonight." She whispered through her cracking voice.

They were standing at the front door staring at each other tiredly.

"I can't. Buffy… I killed them. I killed both of them." He said disgusted with himself.

She shook her head at him as she played with his hair.

"No. You killed him. You killed a murderer. You just sped up the justice system. Dawn. You didn't kill her. He did."

"Didn't you hear? It was a bullet that killed her. HE SHOT ME!" He screamed lifting his bloodstained shirt to show her his stomach.

"It hit her. She's dead because I took a risk!" He pointed to himself.

"A risk to save her life!" Buffy desperately shouted back.

"Yeah, but look what happened."

She suddenly grew calm.

"This is the last time I'm going to say it because you're going to believe me. Alright?"

Her hands caressed his cheek as she spoke slowly and softly. He looked at the floor unable to face her.

"You did not kill Dawn."

She took his hands and led him up the stairs to her room. Once they were there she laid herself down on top of her neatly made bed. He stared at her awhile knowing exactly what she wanted to do and exactly how much she would regret doing it. Exactly how much he would hate himself for it.

"Buffy, I'm not going to be able to hold you close and tell you everything's gonna be alright. I can't pretend to know the answers to your problems. I don't even no the answers to mine."

"Maybe I'm not the one who needs holding."

She said slowly dragging him down beside her. She wrapped her arms around his neck and willed him to lay his head on her shoulder. His arms came carefully around her waist and his head sank down to rest on her abdomen. His face contorted into pain and a muffled sob escaped his lips.

She ran her fingers in soothing motions through the hair at the nape of his neck. She wanted to cry. She'd only shed a few tears in Spike's arms when the nurse told her. She'd learned to shut herself off after so many years. She wanted to scream. It would be so easy. She couldn't. Something was holding her back. So she just held on as he cried her tears for her. They stayed like that for hours until he could cry no more, but instead just lie there in silence.

"Thank you." She whispered.

"For what?"

"For loving us." She replied.

Her emerald eyes met with his intense crystal blue and the world faded away. Their mouths ravished each other. Their passion was mixed together in a perfect blend of emotion. It seemed to last for days as they poured their whole beings into this moment. Tears burned streaks down her face.

"Shh, luv. Don't cry." He said tenderly wiping the tears away.

"I can't. She's really gone. She's gone forever. What do I do? Who do I protect? What do I fight for? I just wish I would've told her I loved her or hugged her one more time. I can never ever hold her Spike. Never."

"Maybe she's not the one who needs holding."

He said giving her a chaste kiss and bringing her arms around him. He pulled the covers down and placed her securely inside them and then entangled their limbs together.

"She knew you loved her. She always knew. Don't worry about it."

They lay there awhile before he asked her. "Why are you so good to me?"

She sat up to look at him better. "Why are you good to me?"

"Because I love you." He said with the utmost sincerity.

"That must be it" She yawned lying her head back down upon his chest.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* END FLASHBACK *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Come on take my hand  
We're going for a walk, I know you can  
You can wear anything as long as it's not black  
Please don't mourn forever; she's not coming back

"But, Spike, you were there for her. That's why she chose you. She knew you'd always be there for her."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* FLASHBACK *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"It's okay, you can do this." He said massaging her shoulders.

"I believe in you." He finished finally leaving her to her task.

"Yeah, well, you're not the one doing this! Ewww!" She whined handing him the dirty diaper.

"I'm not touchin' that…thing." He replied quickly backing away.

"Here." She said flinging it in his direction. It hit him square in the face and he made short time of removing it.

"Now that was wrong and you know it!" He said waving an accusing finger at her.

"My God! You guys can take icky demon blood and pus spewing things but you can't even handle a dirty diaper without being down each other's throats?" Anya exclaimed grabbing her child up from them.

"Hey! I fought plenty of demon's who didn't smell as ripe as that!" Buffy retorted.

"Oh yeah! Well at least you didn't get the full impact! Heightened vampire sense of smell!" He pointed out raising his scared eyebrow at her. "Plus you threw the thing in my face!" He continued.

"Thank God you two can't have children." Anya said leaving the room.

The slayer's face contorted into pain as she realized that Anya was right. They could never have children.

His arms came around her waist and she turned into his embrace.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you." He said smelling her hair.

"And I'm sorry for throwing the diaper at you."

He smiled against her neck. "Not you're not!"

"No, I'm really not!" She laughed.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* END FLASHBACK *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Yeah, I was there for her… in the beginning. But what did I do when she needed me the most?" He sighed looking down at his combat boots.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* FLASHBACK *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

He could feel it when she walked into the room. He could smell it immediately. Fear. She was terrified of something, and years of experience told him it wasn't the big bad.

"What's wrong luv?"

"I went to the doctor today. You know how I've been feeling nauseated and my stomach hurts all the time? I was expecting appendicitis…" She scoffs.

"I didn't know I'd come back with cancer." She said with a whimper in her defeated voice.

Cancer. The soddin' powers that be had put her up to all kinds of dangers, but they'd decided to kill her with cancer. She fought for them. She destroyed millions of evil things. Prevented God knows how many apocalypses! And the bastards wanted to reward her by letting her die slowly. Painfully. He couldn't handle it. The thoughts that raced through his mind were overbearing. He'd done this before. He'd watched her die. It was only for a few seconds that had felt like a lifetime. He couldn't do it. He couldn't watch her lie there and slip away from him. So he ran. Didn't take anything but the clothes on his back. He left her. Just like the others had done.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* END FLASHBACK *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

And yes they'll ask you where you've been  
And you'll have to tell them, again and again

"You came back. And when you did that you did more than any of the others. You were brave enough to face it with her!"

"Brave! Brave! I came back because she was over it! She accepted it! I was a coward! I'm the one who cried when she got sick or stayed home whenever she was in the hospital! I didn't support her! I didn't help her out! She helped me! She looked after me! Because I couldn't get over it! Cause I could never accept it! Until today! She's gone! I'm never gonna be with her again! I'll never touch her, talk to her, fight with her. She's gone forever. The way she told it, you an' your girly mates 'll all go up there when you die! You get to be with 'er. This is my heaven, okay! This is as close as I get! When she was here I was in heaven! She's gone so now I'm in hell! Either way I'm fucked! Maybe if I leave this place then I won't remember her! Maybe everything won't remind me of her. Down there it could be different!"

"And who says you're going to hell!" Xander screamed back.

Spike laughed manically.

"You think just because I've been a white hat for a few years they're gonna smack my hand an say 'That's okay! You murdered hundreds of innocents but we'll let it go this time! You've been such a nice bloke lately!' I'm evil! I'm a demon! I have no soul to save! I don't deserve to go there!

"What about us? Huh? Don't you think it'll affect us?" Xander questioned.

"Pretty soon all of you will be gone. It won't matter. I don't matter! You'll all be gone! And I'll just be alone. I couldn't take it. Not again. And I refuse to do it myself. M'not that pathetic! You know you've been wanting to do this for years Harris! Now do it and let me be done!" He wailed opening his leather duster to expose his chest.

Xander took one look at him and was sickened. Spike had become his closest friend over the years.

"It's not like that anymore Spike. You can't ask me to do this."

"But I am."

And you probably don't wanna hear tomorrow's another day  
But I promise you you'll see the sun again  
And you're asking me why pain's the only way to happiness  
And I promise you you'll see the sun again  
And I promise you you'll see the sun again

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* FLASHBACK *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

She was strewn into his open arms like a small child. She gently kissed his jaw line and sighed awhile. He wasn't paying much attention. He was gazing at the windows. His eyes seemed to be looking through the pale blue curtains, though she knew they looked at nothing but the depths of his own mind. He was thinking, planning, maybe even imagining.

"Take me away from here, Spike." Her words quickly drew him from out of his trance.

"What?" He asked a little startled at her request.

"Take me away. I'm sick of staying here all the time. All we ever do is lay in this bed or watch TV. There's only so many times you can watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail before you want to fling yourself over a cliff!" She joked.

"Hey!" He tried to sound offended.

It was weak and knowing She was right. Even he was starting to get tired of it. And he knew what she really meant was: 'I don't want to spend my last days like this.' She'd been growing steadily worse every day. Even slayer strength was no match for this harbinger of death. She'd been fighting ovarian cancer for 7 years now. The disease had now seemed to have gotten the upper hand.

"Where to luv?" He said in a sleep filled tone.

"Never never land? Oz? I don't care. I just don't want to be here. Anywhere but here."

"In that case maybe Peaches knows a good hell dimension we can cozy up in!" He teased.

She pouted at him.

"I'm serious!"

God! He couldn't resist her. She was so heavenly. So divine. He kissed her with a sort of tender ferocity. Something indescribable. Sweet but demanding. Needful.

"Know you are. I promise tomorrow we'll go somewhere. Let's just stay here one more night."

Her beauty overtook him again and a rain of hot, passionate kisses fell upon her. Hands touched. Eyes met. Tongues dueled and bodies crashed in an ancient rhythm.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* END FLASHBACK *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"C'mon boy. Do it. Sun'll be up soon. I'm through either way. Just, give me some dignity. Give me something" He pleaded looking seriously into Xander's concerned eyes.

Do you remember telling me you'd found the sweetest thing of all  
You said on day of this was worth dying for  
So be thankful you knew her at all  
But it's no more

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* FLASHBACK *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

They hadn't gone far. Only a few miles from home. Just enough to make it to the shore. There was a cove where they could stay in the daylight and they could walk the beaches at night under a thousand twinkling stars.

They made love in the sand and washed in the sea. They took in the various sights and sounds of the ocean. The smell of the salt lingered on their bodies.

The day it happened they were patiently awaiting the sunset. She was so beautiful in the sunlight. Hell, she was beautiful in the dark. But something about the sun made her look her best. At home. Angelic. (For lack of a better word unrelated to his ponce of a sire!)

"It's so beautiful." She mused.

A smile spread on his lips. "Just what I was thinkin'."

"But you can't see it. Not like I can." She noted.

"Never will." He rationalized.

"Yes you will" She said kissing him shortly.

"I promise." She whispered seductively in his ear.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* END FLASHBACK *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"C'mon. Clock's tickin'. Tick tock, tick tock." Spike taunted.

"No." Xander shook his head dropping the stake Spike had given him.

It fell to the ground with a resounding clash.

"Just do it! Please!"

"Spike, just let yourself get over her. It hasn't even been a day yet. You need time to cope."

"Gee. Wish I could cope like you! Does it even bother you? Do you even care?"

"I know what you're trying to do. I'm not gonna kill you. I don't care what you say. You don't want this."

"It's exactly what I want! I've got nothing left! Tell me. Name anything! It's not worth it. Nothing!"

"What about her? Do you think she'd want you to do this? Is she worth it?"

"She's gone! She's not coming back. I watched her die!"

"Are you sure? Cause Buffy kinda has a history of making comebacks. She's better at it than Madonna."

"Don't joke! Don't you dare joke about this! It's done! She's done! I'm done! Now do it already! Do it! Do it! Do it!"

He was hysterical hitting at unseen forces and ripping at his clothing. Begging for death.

"The simple lack of her is more to me than other's presence."  
-Edward Thomas

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* FLASHBACK *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It happened at sunset. When the horizon turned red.

She drew her last breath at sunset.

It seemed fitting, for she was not belonging to either night or day, but just in between.

No pain.

No last speech.

Just silence.

Her last words had been nearly an hour ago. They still hung in his ears, like a melody of the sweetest sounds.

"I promise"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* END FLASHBACK *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Somehow he found himself here. Although how he got to this destination eluded him. All rational thought had left with her soul.

The orange and red hues of the rising sun glimmered in his eyes. He could feel it burn it's way through him. And in that moment perfect clarity.

He knew exactly how he got here. All it'd taken was a look from her.

That was all he'd needed and more than he'd deserved.

He focused again on the horizon. She was right, it was beautiful.

Dust. It covered him. It revolted him. And most of all it pained him.

He let the stake shatter to the ground again. It clanged against the pavement.

He'd lost two friends tonight. They'd both died with honor, dignity, and most of all love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
And you probably don't wanna hear tomorrow's another day  
But I promise you you'll see the sun again  
And you're asking me why pain's the only way to happiness  
And I promise you you'll see the sun again  
And I promise you you'll see the sun again

~*The End*~


End file.
